Pals From the Start: How to Prepare Your Child for a New Baby

The arrival of a new baby brings a wide range of feelings. Parents are excited but they are also nervous about how their older children will react. Children of different ages will react differently to a new baby. The key to successful adjustment is to include your youngster, whatever their age, in the preparations for the baby. A feeling of involvement now will help your child get used to the idea of becoming a big brother or sister.  
 
Knowing what to expect from each age group will make it easier to handle the changes in your family. Here are some suggestions.

Toddlers: Ages 1 To 2 Years

Children of this age won’t understand much about what it means to have a new brother or sister.  Let your child hear you talk about the "new baby" and feel your excitement. Your child may not understand why you are excited but your attitude will rub off and they will feel excited too.  

• Look at picture books about a new baby. Your child will become familiar with words like "sister," "brother" and "new baby."
• When the baby arrives, try to do something special for your older child to reassure they are still loved. Some ideas include: giving a special gift; letting them spend some time alone with dad, grandma or another special adult; or taking them someplace special.

Preschoolers: Ages 2 To 4 Years

At this age, your child is still very attached to you and doesn’t yet understand how to share you with others. Your child also may be very sensitive to change and may feel threatened by the idea of a new family member. Here are some suggestions that may help ease your preschooler into being a big brother or big sister.

• Wait a little while before telling your preschooler about the baby. Explain it to your child when you start buying nursery furniture or baby clothes or if they start asking about mommy’s growing tummy. Try to tell your child before they hear about the new baby from someone else.
• Read books or watch videos about being a big brother or sister.
• Take your child to a sibling class. (Ask your hospital if it offers classes.) 
• Be honest. Explain that the baby will be cute and cuddly but will also cry and take a lot of your time and attention. Don’t oversell the idea of the baby as a playmate. It will be a long time before they can play Legos together. Take your child to see your friends’ young babies so they can get an idea of how babies look and behave.
• Reassure your child that you will love them just as much after the baby is born as you do now.
• Involve your preschooler in planning for the baby. This will make them less jealous. Let them shop with you for baby items or help set up the room.  
• Don’t ask your child to choose the baby’s name. They may come up with “Snoopy.”
• If you are going to use some old baby things, let your child help you choose which old clothes or toys the baby might like. Let them play with them a bit before you get them ready for the new baby. Respect their need not to share one or two special things.  
• Buy your child (boy or girl) a doll to take care of "their" baby.
• Show your firstborn child the family album with their own baby pictures in it. Tell them what happened when they were born.
• Prepare your child for when you are in the hospital. They may be confused when you leave for the hospital. Explain that you will be back with the new baby in a few days.  
• Time major changes in your child's routine. Major adjustments such as potty training, moving to a new bed or bedroom or starting nursery school will go more smoothly if started well before the birth of the baby. If that is not possible, put them off until after the baby is settled in at home. Otherwise, your child may feel overwhelmed by trying to learn new things in addition to all the changes caused by the new baby.
• Expect your child to regress a little. For example, your toilet-trained child might suddenly start having "accidents." Or they might want to nurse or drink from a bottle. This is normal and is your older child's way of making sure they still have your love and attention. Instead of telling them to act their age, let them have the attention they need. Praise them when they act more grown-up.
• Set aside special time for your older child. Read, play games, listen to music or simply talk together. Show them that you love them and want to do things with them. Also, make them feel a part of things by having them cuddle next to you when you feed the baby.
• Ask family and friends to spend a little time with your older child when they come to see the new baby. This will help them feel special and not left out of all the excitement. They might also give a small gift when they bring gifts for the baby.
• If mom has been the primary caregiver, let dad/partner take turns at bath and bedtime. Also, let your child get to know any sitters or relatives who might care for them when you are gone.  
• Have your older child spend time with dad/partner. A new baby presents a great opportunity for fathers and partners as well as grandparents to spend time alone with older children.

School-Aged Children

Children older than five years are usually not as threatened by a new baby as younger children are. However, they may resent the attention the new baby gets. To prepare your school-aged child for a new baby:

• Tell your child what is happening in language they can understand. Explain what having a new baby means and what changes may affect them—both the good and the not so good.
• Have your older child help get things ready for the new baby by fixing up the baby's room, picking out clothes or buying diapers.
• If possible, have your older child come to the hospital soon after the baby is born so they feel part of the growing family.
• When you bring the new baby home, make your older child feel that they have a role to play in caring for the baby. Tell them they can hold the baby, although they must ask you first. Praise them when they are gentle and loving toward the baby.
• Do not overlook your older child's needs and activities. Let them know how much you love them. Make an effort to spend some time alone with them each day and use that as a chance to remind them they are special.

The Hospital (ideas for all ages)

• Before leaving for the hospital, create videos of you reading some of your child’s favorite stories and singing songs and some loving messages to be played while you’re gone. Also write a few notes to be given to your child while you’re away.
• Let your child come to see you in the hospital, despite the difficulty parting.
• Bring a photo of your child with you. Ask if they will tape it to the baby’s bassinet. Have them make a “birthday card” for the baby.
• Say goodbye before you leave for the hospital. Don’t slip away. If you leave in the middle of the night, you might want to wake your child to say goodbye. Be sure they knows beforehand who will be taking care of them.
• Give your child some special jobs to do while you’re in the hospital like bringing in the newspaper or helping to feed the cat. This will make them feel important.
• On the day you come home from the hospital, have your child come to accompany you. Sit with them on the way home and have grandma sit next to the baby, if possible.  

Keep in mind, you may not be able to satisfy the needs of both children all the time—especially not by yourself. If you feel overwhelmed, look to your spouse, other relatives and friends for support and an extra set of arms. Realize that it takes time for a child of any age to make the transition from the old way of life to the new one. Any set of siblings will occasionally be rivals but with luck and the right preparation, they’ll also be great friends!
 
See this helpful article from the American Academy of Pediatrics on this topic:

• Managing Older Siblings While Breastfeeding

Call (866) MY-LI-DOC (866-695-4362) to find a Catholic Health physician near you.

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